As I write this, I am looking at a notice from SSI, stating that they have overpaid me apx. $1,800 between Nov. 2011 and Mar. 2012. I think they expect me to pay it back.
Today, 7/2/12, I have $500 in the bank (and no income until Oct.), and apx. $400 in bills that I pay, per month. This does not include gas for my car, my car payment (which gets a two month hiatus, and will become due again, in Sept.), nor does it include one fun thing - such as a dinner out (or order in), a movie rental (because we can not afford to go out to the actual movies). Nor, does it include summer tutoring for my children.
In the fall, when I return to work, my monthly bills will raise, because I have a few debts that take a summer hiatus, along with my paycheck. I help my husband during his slow months, and by May, I will have "caught up" enough to start saving, and I will receive my last paycheck in June (except, maybe a teeny partial paycheck in July to help get me through the summer, where once again, I will receive no income, but still have bills)
My husband, who owns his own business, makes just enough to pay the bills he pays (we separate them), juggling between paying business expenses and household expenses. During the summer, when he is finally making more, he covers my bills, after I run out of money. He struggles during his slow winters, and I struggle during my slow summers.
We seriously, eek by. Year after year after year.
When I started my part-time job in 2006, I thought I was going to start saving money. Instead, I have incurred new and bigger debts (which is the norm, I believe). Some debts have been forced upon me, and some, I'll admit, I have contracted willingly, but for important reasons. They are pretty major debts,but they are over the course of six years, and some have been paid off.. Some debts, I have absorbed from my husband, to help him out.
I expected to move from my part-time position to a fuller work schedule, but got cancer four months later starting my job. Fortunately, I was "financially challenged" enough to qualify for the federal breast and cervical cancer insurance program. Unfortunately, in order to stay alive, I have to remain that way.
It is very frustrating to worry about finances every day for years. It is frustrating to know that my children will grow and move out before I will ever pay off my debts and be able to save enough to do something fun, take a vacation - that is, if I'm still healthy enough to do so.
It's frustrating to know that I could own a house, but I am not allowed to save up to buy a house (which I can't actually do, at the moment, but one can dream - except in my case, with my cancer). It's frustrating to know that, if I do get my debts paid off, I still can not save any money, because I risk losing my insurance.
And, it's frustrating to know that, when I do have to stop working, I will receive my retirement fund, and must spend it immediately, in order to keep my insurance.
It's frightening to worry that I will have to quit work before paying off my debts, thus leaving them to my husband. And, it's frightening to think that I might die, and my husband will be left, still struggling, alone.
It's frightening to know that, should my husband die first, I will have to spend his entire life insurance immediately, so that I may keep my health insurance, effectively, leaving me homeless, for how could I pay rent, plus bills, plus food, plus misc necessities, when I am receiving his small social security stipend (and earning apx. $1,000 more, so long as I am able to work)? Together, the stipend and my paycheck do not equal the monthly bills, and should I not be able to work, his stipend alone, will not even cover any rent in our general area.
Along with the stress of fighting cancer, these worries attack me, daily. I can not afford to make more money. I can not afford to make less money. And, all the while, I am not making enough money.
Daily, finances and cancer combine to wear me down. Mentally and emotionally, they wear me down.
Yet, I struggle on - imagining what it must be like to have money, be able to keep it.
Sometimes, I am angry. Sometimes, I am reduced to tears. Sometimes, after dwelling too long, after budgeting for another year, where I will make no headway, I will crawl into my bed, and just beg God to get me through another day.
And yet, I have to remain thankful, because I do receive health insurance, simply because I am so challenged, financially. I get to live, because I am poor. So, I do (truly) remain thankful. But, I also have to remain poor.
And sometimes, it is so hard......
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