What are the things I wish I had money for? Let me list just the few that weigh on me today.
1. Yard Work
Since moving into my (rented) home fourteen years ago, I have been the "keeper of the back yard". I was the one that trimmed the trees & did the weeding. I planted the flowers each Spring, prettied up the patio table for BBQ's, and painted the fence in two different greens...two dark, one light, four dark, two light, staggered like that all across the back of the yard. I used to love my yard. Since 2007, I have been unable to keep up with the back yard. It started with losing the strength of my left arm, after lumpectomy and lymphectomy, followed by mastectomy and six or seven other surgeries related to my cancer. It continued with chemo fatigue and various side effect related pains. And, this summer, sore but feeling ok, I look at my yard and realize that it will never recover from my cancer.
Several trees have grown very large. I truly love them. They give me shade and privacy. But, they need more help than I can provide. They knocked down most of my beautiful green fence years ago, which still lays on the ground, rotting and covered with ivy, which has traveled over from an unknown neighbor's yard, and is in the process of taking over my yard, inch by inch, foot by foot. Believe it or not, the neighbor behind me thinks the ivy has originated with me, and has suggested that I help with clearing out his yard.
One of my trees, is shifting the fence between me and my next door neighbor (who we are very friendly with). My husband and I are trying to figure out how to trim our tree without losing it, dig up some roots (or truly cut the tree down, if needed- and it is very large), AFTER removing two pieces of his fence, which will then need to be replaced. We are trying to "not involve the landlord", because, if he starts spending money on this house, there is the very real possibility he will raise the rent (which we can't afford), or decide to "start fresh", leaving us homeless, because we also can't afford to pay a first and last month and security deposit, for a new place.
My "lawn" is dirt and weeds.
My patio is filled with storage tubs, tvs, and other possessions we took from our cabin two years ago, when we lost it to the economy. We don't eat at the patio table, anymore.
We can neither afford to hire a crew to clean it up, or pay for the several dumpsters it would take to do it ourselves - if I had the strength to trim the tree. If my husband's back would not cripple him for a week, afterward.
2. A Vacuum
It has been apx. four months, since my house has had a good vacuum. And, you can tell. The vacuum cleaners I purchase (always based on the best sale price), tend to last apx. two years, at my house, followed by a vacuum drought, while my husband and I waste money on new bags and belts, thinking it might work "one more time", if we only replace what appears to be the problem. The problem with that is, the bags and belts never seem to be the problem. So, we have been talking about a new vacuum for several, several weeks, while spending our money on school tutors, and summer "required reading" books, and a BOAT project for physics class, and groceries for the child who moved out, and yes, fast food, because sometimes, dinner just does not happen the way I think it will.
The things we don't even have money for, that would come before a vacuum are yearbooks (this is the second year they are not happening at my house), summer clothes shopping for my kids (one who has grown apx. 4" since last summer), more tutors (who said public school was free?).
3. A Vacation.
I'm not talking about the ULTIMATE vacation. Just a long weekend away, at a decent place, with decent things to do. As it is, I can not afford an overnighter at the hotel down the street. I can not afford to rent a motor home. I can not afford a plane ticket - or bus or train - let alone five, so my family can vacation with me. I can not afford tickets to Disneyland, Sea World, Universal Studios. I can not afford gas to drive to those places. I can not afford to get to destinations that are supposed to be "free vacations" I can not even afford to take my whole family to the movies at the same time.
4. A Family Portrait
This may seem like a small item, but after being diagnosed with metastatic disease, all I wanted was a family portrait, so my family would have it once I was "gone". All I wanted was a nice portrait to display, one day, at my funeral.
5. A Bed
We bought our current mattress apx. 12 years ago. At the time, we were told to flip the mattress after three weeks. Those three weeks were the last time my husband slept through night for more than two nights in a row. Because of his bad back, he is up (and in pain) several hours each night. We bought the mattress specifically for that purpose. So, he could sleep. And, he did - for three weeks. Once we flipped it, it was never the same, even when we tried to flip it right back. So, my husband wakes up most nights, and lies there, tense and hurting, and hoping he will be able to fall asleep one more time, before he has to get up in the morning.
6. Health Insurance
Thankfully, my cancer is covered under the BCCPT (Breast and Cervical Cancer Treatment Program), and my children or covered under Medi-Cal. But, my husband has not had insurance, has not had a physical, has not sought help for his back in a decade. Once upon a time, when the cash payer was charged less than the insured patient, he could visit our family doctor for apx. $50. Now, as a cash patient, his last visit was $200! For an initial visit. That is before x-rays, MRI's, or even a prescription for pain meds, none of which he was able to pay for.
There are other things I wish I had money for. Little things. Big things. Things I want, and things I need. But, these are the most pressing things. The things that worry me, that force me to fall asleep with an ipod attached to my ear, so my mind can blank out and let me fall asleep. These are the things that scare me, because when I'm gone, my husband will still not be able to afford most of these things. And, he will be alone.
Why have I listed my financial woes for anyone to read, even though my husband would hate it, if he knew?
Because, I know that other metastatic cancer patients have things they want and need, too. I know they lose their jobs, health insurance (after spending every last dime on COBRA), homes, vehicles. I know they lose their ability to work, run, walk, camp, knit, play the sports they used to love, ride the horses they used to own - some due to finances, others due to illness.
And so, I thought - maybe, I could help. Maybe, I could provide help for others, help with their needs. Maybe, I could send them on a small vacation, buy them a used car, hire someone to clean their house, have a nice dinner delivered to their home, purchase movie tickets to celebrate their cancerversaries, provide a family portrait, or a personal portrait, so they would have a nice picture at their funerals, whatever THEY might need. Maybe, I could help ease their burden for just one day, one evening, one moment.
Which leads to It Seemed So Simple - part 2. And, why I can't.
And, I guess I'll start here by saying - I wish I had money to help. I wish I had money for this....
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