First Entry - What Am I Doing Here?

Although this is a big question, in the sense that we all wonder why we have been born - in this place, at this time - today, the question is really as simple as, what am I doing here, today, starting this blog, when I am computer illiterate, make too many typos to fix, and probably don't have as much to say as I think I do.  At least, maybe nothing so important that it needs to be blogged.

I suppose, it is for my own ramblings.  A place that can act as my journal, both for prayer and for contemplation.  A place where I can write down my thoughts and not lose them in the piles of clutter that is my home.  And a place where those thoughts won't get just as lost at this website or that website, because I have forgotten yet another password.  In fact, I am already having a hard time remembering the password I just made up for this blog site (as well as the name I finally chose, after being denied my first 15 choices).  Hopefully, that will all show up after I save this entry.

My main goals here, the things I will probably most focus on, are three-

1- I am struggling with how best to worship God in a manner that pleases Him.  I know there are many people who don't believe in God, and many who do but have not given their hearts to Him.  If any of those people ever visit, I just ask that they not belittle my love for God and find, silly, the struggles that I surely will be posting here.  I am passionately Catholic, which makes me passionately Christian.  I will probably write some entries that will make you question that.  For, I am truly a sinner - hence the struggles.

2- I am fighting a daily battle for my life.  Actually, I just remembered the name of this blog site - OwnMyLife45 (?)  But, you see - I don't totally own it.  Cancer has taken lease of my body.  Has become a squatter, claiming residency.  I, the landlord, do my best to evict cancer and keep it from claiming more territory than it already has.  Sometimes, I am a true warrior, as those with a life threatening illness are wont to be.  Sometimes, I am a wounded soldier, with little strength to fight or even, to cope.  And, sometimes, I am not even a soldier.  I am far from ready to give up, but I have my days, where a break in the action is almost worth the loss of ground.  My body has become enemy territory.  I know I am fluctuating between visions of losing my home - which is my body, and losing a war, and they may not completely fit together, except that the war is within my body.  I suppose I will never make a great writer, as I can not even stick to one analogy at a time.  I will probably post many entries about my cancer, for that is one topic that is always on my mind.

3- I am hoping to learn how to love my family with a truly selfless love.  I am not doing so great, at the moment.  I am trying to let them be who they are, yet form them into who I expect them to be.  I'm sure, as long as time has existed, mothers and fathers have faced this dilemma.  Especially, as my life span is slightly shortened, I wish to bring my family together, close, as a mother hen gathers her chicks, even as my children come closer to flying the nest - leaving it empty, which I crave, and which I fear.

So, I will come here sometimes, hoping to collect my thoughts and feelings.  Hoping to tell God the truth about my inability to love Him, myself, my family, my neighbor.  Hoping to help others understand what cancer does to me physically, and mentally, and emotionally, and even financially.

Some entries will be perfect.  Proof read and fixed several times over, and some will be so full of typos, so as to be nearly unreadable. It all depends on the day.  So, here goes.

What am I doing here?  Maybe I am owning my life - if just for today.

PS- I am 45 years old.